It just said ‘sex’: the real story of what happened to the newspapers

Jake Bethel

Apparently, a recent issue of The Shield riled up some strong emotion around campus. Someone flipped all of the papers over in the Business and Engineering Center and took all of the papers out of the newsstands in the Liberal Arts Center (LA).

The issue in question had the word “sex” in giant letters on the front page. The quote was “Can I have sex with a professor?” and the story explored the University’s policy involving student/faculty relationships.

To the culprit (or culprits), I say, grow up. Your shenanigans are not appreciated by anyone who thoroughly enjoys the freedoms granted by the first amendment. Yes, I’m pulling the Constitution card.

Sure, it was a tad sensational for The Shield to print the word “sex” bigger than any other word on the page. But that was the point – to get your attention.

And obviously it worked.

Your reaction just shows the fact that you can’t handle a mild sexual reference without going all anti-media on the newspaper that represents your student body.

People have sex. In fact, two people had to have had sex for you to exist (unless you are a product of in vitro fertilization or another procedure). It baffles me that this biological reality can be overlooked and replaced with anti-sexual tyranny.

Here’s my prediction of what precipitated on that fateful night on campus: A USI student walked by a newsstand on his/her way out the front door of the LA, after a long-winded nighttime lecture. Just as the student had reached out his/her hand to push the door outward, the student’s head turned to find the word “sex” emblazoned in white and red on The Shield newspaper, which was safely nestled in the frame of the newsstand (face-side up).

Upon further examination, the student realized that the story was a sick juxtaposition to his/her life. Just that morning, he/she had woken up in a USI professor’s bed! The student thought about walking away, but couldn’t, so he/she did what any other sane, rational and just person would do:

He/she stole all of the issues on that newsstand.

Not being stupid enough to get caught, the student looked both ways before taking the stack of repugnant periodicals.

On the fourth trip out of the basement of the LA to their car, the trunk of which was now home to more than 100 copies of The Shield, the student saw yet another newsstand in the Business and Engineering Center. But the student couldn’t steal those copies. There were too many people around.

So they did the next best thing and turned the papers around so that only the Mike Pence story could be seen. And after that peculiar night, all was right in the world.

Until, of course, this article was printed, which has the word “sex” in it six times.