Hello reader, it’s me, your local neighborhood sassy dude.

Food on campus is a hot topic for USI students, served up with a heaping slice of skepticism towards change and simultaneous childish clamor for even more change.

Food has been mentioned in every issue of The Shield this semester, and I’d be hard pressed to find many issues that didn’t mention Sodexo or eating on campus in general.

What cheeses my onions is the lack of attention towards the perfectly edible options within two miles of campus.

Sure, it’s downright terrifying to think of walking down the Lloyd, but I have faith in you, minority of students who do not possess access to motorized vehicles. I’m a commuter student, we’re allowed a certain level of saltiness when it comes to anyone not wanting to travel a mere two miles.

That being said, if you’ve the disposable income to afford delivery and do not wish to brave the highway for some tasty treats, I’ve got some options for you.

Papa John’s

What do I really need to say about Papa Johns’ pizza? You’ve all had it, there’s an app you can order from, they deliver to campus quite often so the “Oh, I thought O’Bannon was in the UC” factor is definitely low.

Spudz ‘n Stuff

Take a potato, throw some stuff on it, drench it in butter, boom you got yourself a meal in a box. While they commit one of my biggest pet peeve—the usage of Z and X to imply radical or cool status—Spudz ‘n Stuff makes some tasty taters and my little birds tell me a large percentage of their drivers have a great knowledge of campus landmarks. Their minimum order is ten dollars but this includes their two dollar delivery fee, so any of the main spudz will automatically hit that limit for you.

Pizza King

Personally my favorite pizza, but I have had some major problems trying to have prompt deliveries. If you’re not around easily numbered locations such as apartments, you’re potentially facing over and hour of confused phone calls and cold pizza. If you’re looking to get a slice delivered to UC East, call in your order and give detailed instructions. The 150 characters allowed to describe special instructions online is simply not enough. As with Spudz the minimum order for delivery is ten dollars.

Now for the locations that don’t offer delivery:

Hot Head Burrito

Hot Head’s is like a Chipotle if you subtract all of the Starbucks-esque pretentious design aesthetics. I’m not particularly a fan of massive burritos and the inherent structural problems they bring during consumption, but even then I do love me some Hot Head’s. Just remember to always choose at least one sauce for your creation. Their meat and rice are low on flavor so a sauceless burrito tastes like the food Quakers tried to use to elminate masturbation with their intense blandness. Ten bucks will get you a full meal.

O’Charley’s

It’s your usual American food joint with a hefty price tag. The food isn’t stellar but Wednesdays are free pie day. If you’re cool with dropping nine dollars on an unenthusiastic entre and pie, give it a shot. Oh, and if you’re over 21 they serve an interesting alcoholic lemonade with Fireball whiskey mixed in that has zero alcohol tang. Of the six alcoholic drinks I’ve had this year, that was one I actually drank over 5 ounces of, if that’s any indication of its tastiness.

Azzip Pizza

Take a few seconds to figure out the meaning behind the name Azzip. Go ahead, I’ll wait. I’ve just saved you from having a sudden realization one day and possibly saved you from saying “Azzip is pizza backwards” in the middle of a lecture. Azzip takes the Subway method of sandwich construction and transplants it into the world of pizza. I highly suggest trying their Ski reduction sauce. Who knew boiling a Mountain Dew knock-off would be so tasty.

Los Bravos Mexican

Given that your other choices for tex-mex are Taco Bell and the inherently sad offerings of Hacienda, Los Bravos wins hands down. The food hovers around the six to $15 range except for the price drop on their wonderful lunch specials, which I highly recommend.

So if you’ve the cash or the transport you can escape the limited options of campus for a slightly less limited world of nearby foodstuffs. Remember to tip your delivery drivers and carpool buddies.