USI won't provide wings

Jimmy Pyles

I know there are more important things going on in the world right now, like Occupy Wall Street, the Colts’ losing streak and Kim Kardashian filing for divorce, but there is something that has been plaguing USI since the first day I first stepped on campus. There is no Red Bull sold on campus.


People always wonder why everyone leaves on Fridays to go to UE or IU. The answer is simple. They have Red Bull, and we don’t. If you even look at pictures from last year’s Little 500, Wiz Khalifa probably has a Red Bull in his hand, while Jason Derulo was sipping on some Ski. 

The C-store has every kind of energy drink known to man except Red Bull. They must have a bunch of geniuses working for Sodexo thinking the C-store needed every flavor of Naked and Snapple in its own separate fridge instead of giving students a heavily caffeinated drink.

All theses wimpy beverages on campus could be the reason it takes a student five years to graduate. The students don’t need better advising and more credit hours. They need to get jacked up on some Red Bull then maybe they will get to class on time.

It just bothers me that I can probably find pot, crack and any other drug on campus (not that I buy them), but there is no chance that James Browning saw the error of his ways and started an underground red bull distribution ring.

The school mascot is Archibald Eagle. But we have no Red Bull to give him wings. That explains why our Red Zone is about a lively as a nursing home. There is probably more excitement in the old folks diapers than in our stands, but that wouldn’t happen if Red Bull was an option. 

I know by now you are all thinking “why don’t you just go to Chuckles or something and get some.” To that I reply, I shouldn’t have to go off campus to get an energy drink.

The silver lining is that university doesn’t sell Jäger.