Condoms vs. children: best form of birth control

Justin Law

The other day, I was in CVS with my friend to get a prescription, and I noticed something that startled me.

They had condoms on clearance… an interesting concept.

Are they faulty?

With condoms in hand, I visualize the results of the clearance condoms – myself as a father. It was farfetched, but I imagined holding my kid, whose name would be Texas Ranger because of my fascination with the movie “Talladega Nights.”

That would be one lucky kid.

I turned to my friend and said, “When we have kids, we are going to be the best dads ever!”

“Those kids are so screwed,” he said.

And believe me; I think those kids are screwed.

I’m not saying that I would be a bad parent. I’m just saying if Charlie Sheen can do it, so can I.

With that thought in mind, I formulated a brilliant plan to test my theory. I would go to the only person I knew who had a baby: my sister.

Imagine the personality of Demi Moore in G.I. Jane combined with the cut-throatiness of Simon Cowell.

That’s my sister.

But still, I needed a specimen to test the theory of my parenting abilities, so I had to approach her to ask to borrow her kid for the day.

So, my chances of her saying yes were like Lindsey Lohan not being crazy.

Surprisingly, she said yes.

If a crazy stunt like this was going to be accomplished, I needed to do it right… make it as real as possible.

There had to be mothers.

I found two lucky women who, willfully, would follow us on our crazy misadventure.

It was probably in my nephew’s best interest that it wasn’t just us two guys taking him.

As this motley crew that I’d assembled walked into the mall, I thought, what would real parents do?

The logical thing to do was to pimp this kid out, make him look like a small version of Lil Wayne… then take him to the play area.

A backwards cap, Captain America Shirt and a large chain later, my nephew was good to go.

The girls laughed at us. My friend and I knew we’d created a good thing.

They thought we created a Frankenstein.

Like the captain of the Titanic, I thought everything was going well, but unknowingly this play area was about to be my iceberg.

Everything was going well. I pulled out my phone to text when suddenly… my nephew stole my phone.

I quickly retrieved it and he started to cry… Houston, we have a problem.

Like a deer in the headlights, I didn’t know what to do.

Turning to one of the girls I pleaded, “How do I make him stop?!”

Funny faces, funny noises, he was harder to make happy than Tiger Woods on the golf course.

The girls came along and held him. Of course, everything was fine.

Undivided attention from two girls will make any guy happy. Typical for men of all ages.

After that fiasco, I was done.

Babysitting was better than condoms for birth control.

As quickly as my nephew snatched that phone away from me, I gave him back to his mother.

The next time I went to CVS, I had a sense of nostalgia when I went back to that condom section.

I couldn’t help myself, I tweeted about how condoms on clearance were probably not the way to go.