I want to begin by saying this: I hold those who are parents, and I mean good parents, not those who let their kids go ape shit wild, in the highest regard. You have a lot of energy and patience. I, on the other hand, have neither. And that is why children are not in my future.

Plus, I basically raised my little sister — long story. So I don’t need kids, ever.

Number one thing I hear from peers about my decision not to have children: ‘when you find the man you truly love and get married, you’ll change your mind.’

Simple rebuttal: I’ll find a guy who doesn’t want children either, or else there will be no marriage.

Number two: ‘Oh, when your biological clock is ticking, you’ll change your mind.’

Let me make this clear: I’d voluntarily go in and get a hysterectomy if I could. I know that sounds horrible, because there are women out there that want children and can’t have them.

If I could, I’d hand my ovaries out for free.

I’ll be honest; I’d be a bad parent. I wouldn’t be abusive or negligent, I would just get annoyed. A lot. Because this is what I consider the cycle of fear and annoyance:

They’re born. Which, let’s just be honest, is extremely painful to the female.

They cry and poop. A shit ton.

They begin to crawl and walk, and just get into all sorts of mischief. You have to chase them down.

They begin to speak. It’s cute at first. They make funny sounds, but then they start saying ‘mine’ in reference to everything you pick up and show them, and then ‘no’ to everything else.

During their early years, you want to be close to them all the time because you have to feed them and stuff, but then they just follow you around all the time. Heck, you may not even be able to go to the restroom without a little one playing shadow behind you.

They reach those tween years and start valuing friends more than they value family. They take their friend’s advice over yours and start showing some individuality as far as sense of style and music tastes goes.

Awesome, right?

Well, if you want to spend some quality time with tween/ teen kids, you might as well forget it. They’d probably prefer sitting in their rooms chatting on AIM over personal interaction with you.

They rebel and get attitudes. Fun stuff.

They can drive. Oh, God.

First of all, you have to worry whether they’ll survive or not because we know many teen drivers are careless drivers. Then, you have to worry about where they’re going. They start hanging with friends more, their influences becoming more obvious, and they start to date.

This, in itself, is frightening.

There is always the possibility of becoming a young grandparent, even if you teach your kids how to play it safe.

Some think sperm can’t swim apparently.

Oh, and then they may get into some alcohol consumption or drugs. Because we all know that’s a far stretch these days.

Finally, they move out.

They head off to college or get their own apartment or house and a full time job. You may start to think, ‘wow, they’re gone and I’m in an empty nest.’

But, surprise, they come back.

They bitch about how horrible the real world is and how they need more of your money, as if paying their tuition wasn’t enough.

Kids? No thanks.