Suppress your basic ‘bitchness’ this Halloween

Bobby Shipman

The crisp Autumn air seems to arouse all sorts of seasonal excitement. With Halloween and Thanksgiving just around the corner, people from all walks of life seem to unite as they don fuzzy knit sweaters, baked pumpkin pies and adorn their porches with delightfully tacky decorations of red and yellow leaves and goofy ghouls.

The season also seems to stir up some unique peoples as well:

The adult trick r’ treaters:

“Oh, are you chaperoning? ”


Awkward silence.

The Jesus freaks:

“Halloween is for devil worshippers, sluts and the gays!”

And, the basic bitches:

“Um, like, I would like a pumpkin spice latte. Heavy on the spice, easy on the, like, pumpkin.”

Basic bitches become particularly easy to spot during Fall as they skip around in their UGG boots sipping pumpkin flavored “coffee drinks” and talking about what completely unoriginal costumes they could sport.

“Nu, uh, I’m disco Barbie!”

Sexist term aside, many men show their basic colors this time of year as well.

“I’m not a gladiator, I’m a Spartan, duh!”

If you can recognize these sad specimens, they can be easily avoided. Simply pay attention to people tweeting about watching “Hocus Pocus” as if no one else has ever heard of it before or Instagram-ing photos of dead leaves that have been over-saturated with built-in filters.

Another form of evasion would be to avoid places where they tend to congregate such as Starbucks, Yankee candle and Halloween themed frat parties, where the partygoers think the song “Cannibal” by Ke$ha is appropriate seasonal dance music.

Let’s face it, though, many of us let our basic tendencies run amuck in October. I, for one, am privy to glittery Halloween decorations that make my living room look like Liberace’s walk-in closet.

To combat these urges, I suggest people derive their Fall-prep from ancient traditions.

Maybe host a divination session in your living room or go all out with a little bit of mumming and guising, which involves singing a song or reciting poetry to a stranger in exchange for food.

Another option could be to, to follow suit with ancient Druidic customs, say a prayer to Samhain, the Lord of Darkness.

There are endless possibilities you can choose from to avoid the mundane experience you have so basically become accustomed to.